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My Love Affair with the Dyson Airblade™

I was at a company offsite all week. It was productive, fun, blah blah blah. I don’t care about any of that. What I care about is that there was a Dyson Airblade™ in the bathroom.

If you’re into technology, design, and efficiency, the Airblade™ is like a carbon composite dildo designed by Jonathan Ives and engineered by, well, by James Dyson. It’s a lovely contraption and my frequent visits to the loo gave me ample time to examine my infatuation with a hand dryer.

MONDAY = AWE
Holy shit this is awesome! My hands are dry and it only took like 10 seconds. This thing rules!

TUESDAY = ADMIRATION
Holy shit that really is a blade of air! Look how thin the gap is! The sensor is so precise! The curves are strong but elegant! The basin has the perfect shape for disintegrating the water molecules and any bacteria in it! This thing rules!

WEDNESDAY = INSPIRATION
You know what would be fucking awesome? If Dyson made an “Airblade All Over™” for home use. The way it would work is that after your shower is complete, you stand on a circle in the middle of the stall and a round Airblade™-esque contraption slowly (but not too slowly) makes its way from your head to your toes, so once it gets to the floor (in about 17 seconds) you’re completely dry. It’s not so far-fetched — they already made the Air Multiplier™. It would make millions! Hey James, call me.

THURSDAY = DOUBT
Why does the sensor shut off the blowers before my fingertips are dry? You’d think that something that’s so painstaking about the rest of my hands could keep me from having to wipe off my fingertips. Sorry, James, but maybe you shoulda kept it in the lab a little bit longer. Also, I looked at a reseller’s website to see about getting one for my house and I have to say… $1,400? Is it really so much more efficient that I can drop that kind of coin on one? I’m just a working stiff, Sir James, not a knighted billionaire inventor like you.

FRIDAY = PANIC
Hey James, I’m really sorry about all that doubt yesterday. This is my last day with my beloved Airblade™ and I plan to cherish every moment. In fact, I’m doubling my Diet Coke intake so that we can share 10 seconds every hour on the hour. Oh, I almost forgot! I figured out that if I fold my fingers at the second knuckle, my fingertips get totally dry! You’re perfect, Airblade™. Also, I love you. There, I said it. Let’s never fight again.