Tux Life

Dear Coke Talk: On drunk driving.

Hey Coke Talk Woman. You’re awesome. I really like what you do — even if you turn out to be a fake, your advice and opinions on sex, drugs and a lot of other stuff is pretty rational, well-considered, and fucking hilarious. Likewise, you look like you really considered this topic as well. But, respectfully, I think you’re wrong.

Before I launch into my thoughts on drunk driving, first let’s take a deep breath and put on our critical thinking hats.

This is one of those topics on which we’re all programmed to give an instant and negative knee-jerk response. It’s true. Those M.A.D.D. bitches know how to organize, and they get us early.

Any time you get together a group of people whose primary purpose is to for-the-love-of-god-think-about-the-children, you’re going to have a certain element who are simply just martyr magnets. But the core of M.A.D.D., unlike, say, anti-abortion protesters, have truly been personally impacted by the issue. I know several mothers who didn’t give it a second thought to the group until they lost their children to a drunken driver. So, yes, they’re organized. They may be a little overzealous based on your personal beliefs, but it’s at least coming from a place of wanting to avoid having others go through what they’ve gone through.

I don’t think that driving drunk is something for which “knee-jerk reactions” abound. If anything, I would say that it’s just as common if not more common for people to think the way you do about drunken driving. Seriously, who doesn’t know somebody who’s been pulled and had to find creative ways to not get his/her license revoked because they were driving after having a few drinks? So I’m not sure we’re putting on our “critical thinking hats” by assuming that drunken driving is this sacred cow issue where the forces of puritanical thought are controlling the dialogue.

It was just last year that everyone in California was filled with righteous indignation when driving on the phone was outlawed. Could you imagine the same reaction to drunk driving? Of course not, but essentially there’s no difference.

Strip it down to the bare essentials, and driving while intoxicated is no more morally complicated than driving while texting, or driving while putting on make-up, or driving while eating a fucking Big Mac.

Morally, no. Scientifically, yes. Doing something you shouldn’t be doing while driving is dumb. But any of these things you mention are distractions — in many cases they distract you enough that you’re fucked once you realize what’s going on, but if you do catch yourself in time, you can discard the distraction and get back to full focus before disaster. Being drunk is an impairment — meaning that you just can’t respond at full capacity, so the likelihood of something terrible happening is exponentially greater.

You can make some moronic argument about knowing yourself and what you can handle, but the science is pretty clear on alcohol’s ability to impair your judgment in very specific ways that are not conducive to driving. I’m not saying that anyone should text while driving because, statistically, it’s a fucking death wish, but it’s not the “same” as driving while drunk.

I’m not saying they’re wrong. I’m just saying that nothing is ever black and white, the current DUI laws are bullshit, and there is a time and place for everything.

I would agree that the current laws are bullshit, but not because they’re too stringent. One-third of all auto-related fatalities are alcohol-related. That’s about 12,000 deaths per year. I don’t know of any statistics about what percentage of total hours driven are impaired by alcohol, but it sure as shit is nowhere near one-third of all hours. It’s probably closer to five percent or less. Math isn’t my best subject but I think that means you’re something north of 10 times as likely to kill somebody when you’re driving drunk than when you’re driving sober but possibly otherwise “distracted.” And that’s just killing. Injuries make the statistics even more startling.

Also, if you look at the statistics, you see that more stringent laws over the past 20 years, and the past decade in particular, combined with the public awareness efforts by groups like M.A.D.D., have actually greatly reduced the number of automobile fatalities that are alcohol-related.

So yeah. I’m not pro-drunk driving, but the world is full of necessary evils, and this is fucking Los Angeles. Our taxi service is shit. Our public transportation is non-existant. Our sheer square mileage is staggering.

Fuck it. As horrible as it may sound, I’m not gonna bullshit. Sometimes you have to drive your own car when you know you probably shouldn’t.

This just makes me think you’re a lot less intelligent than I thought you were. Or you don’t have as many friends. I lived in L.A. and experienced that scene from Swingers where all the cars are lined up plenty of times. But I also teamed up with others if I knew that somebody planned to get more than a small buzz (read: well under the legal limit). Either way, the only time it would ever be “necessary” to drive drunk is if you’re on the Paramount lot shooting a movie where you have to get away from the zombies and somebody spiked the green tea at the craft service truck.

It’s never a good idea, but anyone who’s honest will admit that there’s a difference between stupidly getting behind the wheel all sloppy and shit-faced and the the hyper-vigilant, supremely cautious style of driving one does when trying to make it home despite the likelihood of being a bit over the legal limit.

You’re right, there is a difference. But not the kind that matters — i.e. an actual scientifically or factually measurable difference.

I never drive shit-faced. Ever. I never let my friends drive shit-faced. Ever. If you’re slurring your words, then just lock the doors, curl up in the back seat, and take a nap.

Am I saying it’s okay to drive drunk? Fuck no. Am I admitting to risking it once or twice? Okay, yeah. Feel free to cast the first stone if that’s your thing. Life is full of calculated risks. I’m big on personal accountability, even in the face of irresponsibility. If I can’t pull my shit together, I don’t risk it. That’s just me.

It’s admirable that you’re at least attempting to take personal responsibility and say that we can take or leave your own views. But boiling it down in the way you have is something that you commonly see with any issue involving alcohol. You said yourself in a post a few weeks ago (or at least agreed with somebody) that alcohol is probably actually more dangerous to individuals and to society than drugs. But this guise of personal responsibility just doesn’t apply in this case because you’re readily admitting that you have to go out of that bubble. Once you’re out there and impaired, you’re putting others at risk, which, to put it mildly, can be a total buzzkill.

Trust me, I know plenty of people who’ve done awful shit to themselves and to other people by getting behind the wheel while drunk, no matter how mildly buzzed to totally shitfaced they were. The ones with any sense of responsibility and morality will tell you they’d give anything to have not have had that “I know my limit and how to drive vigilantly while drunk” attitude before they did what they did. Go ahead and say that I’m trying to scare you straight, but what I’m really trying to tell you is that if you’re going to own this personal responsibility mantra and give some great advice, then realize when you’re betraying your own level-headedness.

Incidentally, I think it’s this kind of reasoning that makes our views on alcohol and drug addiction in society at large so fucked up — people boil it down to those who can “handle their shit” and those who can’t. As a result, the largest and most successful treatment programs are still “anonymous,” because the stigma is so strong. That’s too bad because as you and I both know, the less you can talk about something openly, the more misunderstanding and fuckedupness there is about it. I’m generally on the side of legalizing most drugs, but if we can’t even talk about them without truly being reasonable about the consequences — all of the consequences — then it’ll never be a good idea.

Yours truly,
Essdogg